Lost: wig. Reward if returned I lost my wig. I fell asleep near the rail road tracks June 02nd around 12:45 pm. I woke up with no wig. Also missing was my wallet and iPhone with lots of selfies with me and my wig. One photo used as Christian Mingle profile so it’s imperative that

The Satanic Temple’s first-ever Satan, Swingers and Maple Syrup Exposition will be held in Angus County over the weekend, drawing both Satanists, swingers, maple syrup enthusiasts and protesters to The St Xavier Community Center, just east of the raging landfill  fire. The convention will start at 2 p.m. Friday and continue through Sunday afternoon with

The Angus County Pharmacy is offering its customers the chance to save huge on ‘gently used’ pharmaceuticals each Monday. All returned and unused customer medications will be mixed and stored in tiny brown grab bags. Luck out on heavily discounted stool softeners, dented Xanax and myriad mysterious unidentified medications. All grab bags are priced at

Construction has begun on 326 Alberta Street near the Baxter overpass where a new Porn & Corn Emporium is scheduled to be completed in three weeks.  The official groundbreaking ceremony was heavily attended by local dignitaries, Angus County News, and a smattering of  die hard Angus County residents and rabid fans of porn and corn

A free concert by the controversial band Broken Down Lori ended in smoke, fire, mayhem, chaos, three births, numerous broken bones and hurt feelings, hair pulling, projectiles, more fire and the band being physically assaulted by concert goers after a riot broke out at the Angus County Legion during the band’s incendiary albeit brief performance.

After winning a KRQA Angus County Radio contest where TV windbag Dr. Phil would fly to your city for a homemade dinner, winner Kyle Hurman was initially excited to have won the contest. “I never win anything so it was a big deal. I was going to make hard boiled eggs. I mean, I’m no

Local neurosurgeon Dr. William Dylan remains dazed and somewhat confused languishing away at the Angus County Mobile Mayo Clinic where he is being treated for acute THC intoxication after smoking six pounds of potent marijuana in one sitting. According to sources at the Clinic, Dylan, the respected neurosurgeon took to the pipe and did not

Arthur Garfunkle, American singer, poet, and actor, best known for his partnership with Paul Simon in the folk rock duo Simon & Garfunkel, took a nasty spill while walking over the Bridge Over Troubled Waters, which connects Angus County to the mainland. Garfunkle, who was allegedly walking to a dental appointment for a denture fitting

Robert Marley has been waiting for his Tesla Cybertruck since ordering it in 2019, when Tesla began taking advance reservations for the futuristic piece of shit. Marley took possession of his dream vehicle April 14th, and after a brief rundown from his dealer, he ripped out of the parking lot losing two of the 4

Johnny Eggs, 46 from Angus County just west of the lagoons and northeast from the landfill,  is a self-admitted Taylor Swift junkie. His house is adorned with posters and thousands of dollars in memorabilia, including Swift’s first pony, who apparently has trouble with her lungs. Eggs has witnessed the mega corporation that is Taylor Swift

What was intended as a real life survivalist ‘bug out’ exercise on the outskirts of Angus County near the dump, ended in the deaths of twenty nine seasoned doomsday preppers on Saturday. Although the drill had been in the planning for months, myriad mishaps marred the weekend after it was determined that all preppers forgot

The science world is a buzz with the unimaginable news that amateur physicist Clement Alfredo from Angus County, constructed his own Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator. Alfredo, a part time wig maker used nothing more than a manual downloaded from the internet and a 148 kilometre cheap plastic ring of superconducting magnets with a shitload

Enter today for the Angus County News Twin Peaks VHS Box Set Bonanza Giveaway. Email anguscountynews.co.uk with TWIN PEAKS DRAW in the subject line. Winner will be announced February 06th at 12:00 midnight EST. Offer valid only to Angus County Residents. Runner up receives two seasons of M*A*S*H on laserdisc.

The Angus County Chamber of Commerce is offering all Angus County News readers the opportunity to win John Dinks tractor which has been tipped over in a ditch since May. Dinks, who walked away from the mishap uninjured, has offered up the prize to the Chamber on the condition that the winner is responsible for

Hey you. Got a secret? Tell us. We won’t tell anyone. Best secret will win a Ford Explorer (prize subject to change).  Runner up will win a Ford Focus (prize subject to change). Third place will receive a job with Ford (prize subject to change). Contest sponsored by KIA Motors and Johnny’s Rubber Store. One secret

Angus County News is giving away Iggy Pop and a full living wood dining room set which seats twelve. How to enter: Email [email protected]. In the subject type IGGY 4 ME. Please include your phone number, age, your Social Insurance Number, your tax return from 2021, a photo, and your Healthcard and driver’s license number.

Angus County Police were summoned to 457 High Slope Street to investigate a daring break and enter early Friday morning, According to homeowner William Sheath, he was woken from his sleep to find a suspect in his bedroom furiously rifling though Sheath’s chest of drawers. “I think I shot the fucker in the spine!” –

Angus County Police are seeking the public’s assistance in locating 36 year-old Harley Munch who is wanted for questioning for a bizarre meatloaf hit and run incident that occurred October 15th in the 400 Block of Whisper Crescent. According to witnesses known to the subject, Munch walked up to 32 year-old Jeremy Irons who was

ANYTHING GOES AT LOCAL DAYCARE – POT, PHISH, PLAY DOH, DOG FIGHTS AND FORGED PASSPORTS Angus County’s only daycare center, High Times & Silly Rhymes was raided early Thursday morning, after parents approached local law enforcement with their concerns of their precious preschoolers returning home exhibiting signs of cannabis intoxication, and relentless demands to listen

Lester Baumgartner was in charge of hiring a band for his son Jeremy’s bar mitzvah. After a few casual enquiries at his place of employment, Gentle Ben’s Furs, co-worker Walter Knight, suggested that Lester hire his son’s new band, Luxor. It would be their first paying gig as a professional musical combo “Walter told me

Construction has begun on 326 Alberta Street near the Baxter overpass where a new Porn & Corn Emporium is scheduled to be completed in three weeks.  The official groundbreaking ceremony was heavily attended by local dignitaries, Angus County News, and a smattering of  die hard Angus County residents and rabid fans of porn and corn

Got a story that is just so weird that it’s impossible to make up? Holy shit, are we looking for you. Contact Angus County News with your story or hot tip. Email Kevin Pecore at [email protected]. Journalism is not dead, it just smells funny.

Oxideth Pharmaceutic Trial to begin Are you experiencing sudden death more than six times a week? If you answered ‘yes’ then you may be eligible to participate in an exciting new free trial study. Angus Pharmaceutics – the makers of many innovative elixirs such as ‘Syphilis B Gone’, ‘Trench Mouth No More’, and a plethora

Channel 9 has a position available for those who know how to handle small balls and upper case letters. Channel 9’s popular weekly program, currently on hiatus, is looking for a charismatic professional television host assume on air bingo calling duties. Absolutely no experience required. Must live within a twenty kilometer radius of Angus County.

Portrait of a failed writer Oh, hello. I am well. I’m also writing the greatest book ever written. I’ve been writing the greatest book ever written for years, and it’s coming along nicely I think, but you can’t rush this kind of thing. I haven’t proofed any part of The Greatest Book Ever Written yet

The annual Christmas Party. I’ve survived more than a few. Barely. In my mind, I am the most charming person I know, yet surprisingly I am not all that social. Small talk is paralyzing for me. There are so many times when I literally have nothing to say; all I can do is stare off

I have a bunker. I hunker in it from time to time when things get weird. The subterranean bunker is in my house. The house is on my street. The street is on my block. The block is in my city, which is not really a city but a quaint little fishing hamlet situated snugly

I recently met a guy from Buffalo. I didn’t go out of my way to meet the dude nor was it a mysterious case of providence. I just met him briefly while at a Counting Crows concert. When you willingly join a temporary transient community of a few thousand people in a designated space you

Dear Mr. Pecore: I have only recently come to discover Angus County News, and would just like to say that the columns are certainly shabbily written at best, and often quite offensive. You are squandering a great opportunity to reach out to the world and make a positive statement as I no longer think that

Hey Angus County News. While out poaching ostrich in my neighbour’s field, I managed to tree me three older ladies. They put up a real good chase that lasted about six hours and nine kilometers through dense bush and a huge swamp. I’d catch up to them but they’d hide in tall brush but I

Found at a yard sale. Great condition and quite inspirational. Originally painted by Simon the Zealot or Simon the Canaanite or Simon the Canaanean, one of the most obscure among the apostles of Jesus. The painting depicts Jesus manhandling a drunkard after being served too much wine at a night out at a local bar.

Perfect for the vintage action card collector, these four cards are in perfect condition. Three cards depict the messiah either holding sheep or showing the scar from open heart surgery while the fourth card depicts Mary doing some light gardening. Asking $1 per card or $3 for the complete set of four. Price is firm.

Broke into a house. Nothing of value other than three kilos of cocaine. The cocaine is not for sale but while ransacking the house I came across a WHAM record. Seems to be in good shape. No visible scratches. Asking sixteen bucks. Firm. Will deliver. As I am Christian I will also include half a

34 year old man blind in one eye, looking for woman to share my singular vision. Must be fit, large breasted and enjoy kids and darts. No smokers. That includes vaping. Must be heavily into hand guns, recreational vehicles and hardcore drugs.